Mis-gendering and other unnecessary gendered salutations

Okay......So....in life, we learn from a very young age, the concept of "addressing" someone. As a young child, you learn real quick that if you want to be seen or heard, you have to make yourself seen and heard. You have to get the attention of mommy or daddy or a brother or sister. We may call them by their names, or say "Hey you!" Whatever we choose, addressing those around us is just a part of life.

Starting from a very young age, we learn that gender plays a role. We see someone address a man as "Sir" or "Mr." and a woman as "Ma'am" or "Mrs.". And this has been taught and accepted in our society as "polite". But what happens when someone comes along that is actually offended by those terms? You may be thinking "Why would anyone be offended by that?" Or "If you are offended by someone just trying to be nice to you, then you need to get over yourself!"

But let me attempt to explain why this is an outdated practice that should no longer be a part of our every day lives. Or really never should have been for that matter, for the reasons I am going to talk about.

So, when we are born, first of all, quite often our parents already knew our "Gender" based on a grainy, blurry, picture that resembles an alien or weird looking blob of organic matter that they somehow determine has a "penis" or a "vagina".

There is a whole celebration surrounding the discovery of ones babies gender.

If it's a boy, we dress them in blue, and buy them "boy" toys and things, and if it is a girl, we have an explosion of pink, and frills and cute soft girly things, and visions of princess dresses and all of the things that come with raising a girl.

However........that baby has not yet had a chance to tell you how THEY feel. We end up throwing them into a gender box the instant they take their first breath of air, and as they are growing up, they might continuously attempt to climb out of that gender box where they feel so uncomfortable, but we just keep shoving them back in it.

How is it that we keep shoving them back in that gender box? Well.....one way we do that is by continuing to use terminology or salutations that defines their gender. There are many other ways that we do this as well, such as the things we buy them as they are growing up, or the gender specific activities we push them toward as they are growing up, such as scouting, or gender segregated sports. Despite the child continuously voicing, or just demonstrating signs that they are not comfortable identifying as the gender we keep throwing them back into. Again, there are so many ways that we can be insensitive to a persons gender identity, but what I want to talk about today, is the language we use.

So......from childhood, we grow up being taught that we should address the men in our lives as "Sir" and the women in our lives as "Ma'am." I'm not going to go into the history of why we use those terms, but here is a handy article should you want to learn more about "Sir" specifically. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sir

It is meant to be a thing of respect. So shouldn't I feel honored that those I come into contact with throughout the day want to be respectful and kind to me? Shouldn't that make me happy? Well let me tell you.........it doesn't. It makes me cringe. It makes me sad. It is a constant reminder of what I'm "Not" or that society does not want to let me out of that gender box. I was placed in that box the day I was born, and I have been trying to fight my way out of it ever since, and being called "Sir" or "Mr" or "He" or "Him" is bothering me more and more the further I manage to get on this journey to find myself.

And it is not only "transgender" individuals like myself who are bothered by those terms. There are also non-binary people who do not identify as either gender. So to use terminology when addressing them, that is gender specific tends to be hurtful to them as well. Furthermore, there are "gender fluid" individuals who feel comfortable flowing to either side of the spectrum depending on their current mood or the weather, and therefore those individuals are often fine being address as either "he" or "she".

There are many many transgender, and non-binary people in the world. Chances are you probably know a few of them without even realizing it. As you go through your everyday life, shopping, going to a restaurant, going to the doctor's office, you are constantly going to be coming across people who do not identify with the gender that you may assume they do based on their appearance.

Me for example......I am at a stage in my transgender transition where sometimes I go out dressed as a girl, but most of the time I do not. I most certainly identify as, and most of the time "Feel" like a girl. So imagine you are a woman, and you go out into the world, and everywhere you go, people continuously address you as "Sir" or "He" or "Him". And you find yourself taken aback. Because you know you are not a "Sir". Well.......when you are trans, it takes on an even deeper pain. Because you are constantly reminded of what the world perceives you as. Obviously, if everyone is constantly calling me "Sir" and "He" then I must "Look" like a "Sir" and "He", and it can be very troubling. For the most part, I just brush it off, because I understand this social norm, and understand that I still look very much like a "Sir" when I don't make an effort to look like a "Her". So I mostly let it go, and don't get offended by it. However, there are many whom depending on where they happen to be in their personal gender identity journey who do get very offended and hurt by it.

So my point is.........I want us all to work toward removing this outdated, and completely unnecessary practice of addressing people with gender specific terminology. It simply is not necessary. And you may really make a persons day by correctly gendering them. What I mean by "correctly gendering" them, is referring to them in a way that "affirms" the way they feel inside. That is, if they so desire. Really, it is just far safer to not use gendered terminology period. Just play it safe. Assume that everyone is non-binary and does not identify with a specific gender, and you save yourself from unknowingly offending someone. If you work in a service position such as at a coffee shop, or restaurant or other place where you are regularly dealing with people, start today trying to make it a habit of finding other non gender specific ways to address them.

I had to go to the dentist this morning, and I was called "Sir" or "He" at least 15 to 20 times in the short time I was there. Now......granted I was there presenting as a man at the time. I did not have my wig on, but I was wearing women's jeans, I have pink ear rings, a pink shirt, my fingernails currently painted very bright red, came in wearing a very girly looking sweater, and yet still got called "Sir" many times.

And while I understand why........And I don't get upset about it, because the ones who say it have no idea it even bothers me. For all they know I am in every way a "Sir". They are only trying to be "respectful" and as such, I don't say anything, and let it go. But deep down inside, every single misgendering term I hear like that, hurts. And it hurts worse and worse the further along I go. If I were dressed fully in my female clothing, and had my wig and makeup on, and people still called me "Sir", then I would have more reason to actually say something and be upset.

My amazing, supportive wife bought me this pin to wear. It just helps to bring awareness, since most people just simply don't "know" it is even an issue. They are only doing what is normal and comfortable for them. So wearing a pin like this, allows them to know what I prefer to be referred to, without it actually having to become a discussion.

My purpose for writing this blog today, is NOT to talk about myself and my own experience. But to share my personal observations and thoughts on the subject, so as to hopefully bring some awareness to it. Because most people just simply are not aware that this is even a "Thing". Most people just address a fellow human without even thinking about how that person is receiving the salutation. They have grown up their entire lives understanding that that's how you address fellow people. But, you have to remember the huge population of individuals out there in life, among us all everyday, who do not identify with the gender you assume they do. They may look very much like a woman, but feel like a man inside. So every time you call them "Ma'am" or "She" or "Her" it is like stabbing them in the heart with an ice pick. Or there may be someone that clearly looks female, who will be hurt and affected if you call them "Ma'am" or "Sir" because they don't feel like they align with either one.

Gender specific terminology is just completely unnecessary. It is not needed. You can address a person perfectly respectfully, without having to use a term that places them in one gender box or the other. And I feel like it is a very minuscule thing that we can do in this world, to be just a little kinder to those around us. Because we may not have a clue just how much that simple little gesture may mean to someone.